Why Military Intelligence Lacks Intelligence

Why Military Intelligence Lacks Intelligence

By Felicia Whatley

What’s better than a leader that leads by example?

In a Massachusetts Intelligence Army unit the First Sergeant ordered a showdown inspection where everyone had to bring in all their gear. This time it wasn’t for accountability. He had them all load it up onto a flatbed truck and he got in it and in the middle of the weekend drill time drove it down to the nearest Army and Navy Depot store where he unloaded the gear and cashed it in for his gambling funds. This kleptomaniac also stole the unit’s only Public Affairs camera. Ass-clown.

Everybody is squared away and motivated in our unit, right? Then there is the Readiness Non-Commissioned Officer who not only sold the unit’s new shipment of M4 rifles to the French during pre-deployment training, but was also in charge of the unit’s pay system. And instead of paying the soldiers, he would direct deposit in funds for drill pay, then wait a week and gradually drain their accounts to pay child support for all his illegitimate children. I’m sure his wife loved that. And get this, he was never job qualified. Instead of passing the training, he paid off his Drill Sergeants. In the MI unit, they made him a Platoon Sergeant. Way to lead from behind!

Then there was the pee test lottery. Because everyone in the unit supposedly had secret clearances every month 10% of the unit would be drug tested. Funny thing, the guys administering the drug test would do cocaine and heroin every chance they could. So they would be high in uniform while they administered the drug test. Fan-fucking-tastic!

Then there were the mandatory government travel cards. The full-timers would use them to pay for their hookers at our expense. Way to put on the mileage guys!

Then there were the super motivated officers. They would be there for first formation to be accounted for then spend the rest of the day at the local bars in Harvard Square, then return trashed for final formation, and drive two hours home drunk. Since they weren’t getting paid anyways, I guess it really didn’t matter, just as long as they didn’t kill someone else on their ride home.

Let’s not forget about how serious Intelligence units are about appearances. Physical Fitness was always important. So important, that twice a year Lieutenant Zoo would pay the Training NCO to get his perfect 200 score. He was called out on it, so he showed up late, while we were already done with the push-ups, sit-ups and halfway done with the two-mile-run. He presoaked his shirt and did a few victory laps and finished when we finished, and yet still managed to achieve a perfect score and get promoted to Captain. Remember we are building America’s leaders here.

Then there is the overworked Supply Sergeant. He got his government issued cell phone taken away for not only spending 90% of his day on the phone, but calling internationally to a terrorist network in Puerto Rico. Because he is on the phone so much he has daily scheduled nervous breakdowns when it is 5 o’clock and he realizes he didn’t get anything done.  His biggest fear is that he doesn’t look Hispanic enough so uses self-tanning lotion and changed his last name to a common Spanish name. This is the same guy that got kicked out of college for falsely exploiting of all the grants and programs for Hispanics.

We train like we fight! Then there are the covert operations at the nearby grocery store. The full-timers trio would lock and load semi-automatic rifles to go food shopping and then wonder why they would spend so many nights in the local Cambridge jail. Are you fucking kidding me?

My favorite asshole doushebag of the year award goes to the Training Non-Commissioned Officer, who felt the need to put his dick on the table every time he walked into the room. He would publicly drop soldiers to do push-ups for stupid shit. I explained to him that outside a training environment he would need to drop with the soldier. I had to do more push-ups for hurting his ego. And he didn’t drop with me. But that’s not why I hated him.

The unit received an unusually large amount of funding for schools and training this past year. Instead of putting his soldiers first, he put himself into four different schools ensuring his promotion and an empty desk so he didn’t have to do his real job. But character counts in the Army right? He would occasionally spend some time in jail as well for attempting to boost cars. When we deployed to Korea for a few weeks, he collected up the soldiers car keys and got arrested trying to sell our vehicles. So what did the unit do to punish him? Well promote him of course.